I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
