he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
