...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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