capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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