I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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