you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
