I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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