Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
