A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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