Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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