There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
