never play flip cup with pint glasses
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
