I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i've created a new STD.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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