You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
