I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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