Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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