You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
