i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
