I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
just tell him i said nine months
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
