Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
