i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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