Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize