why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
