this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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