brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
