I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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