Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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