So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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