i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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