Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
