It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
