There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
