Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize