I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
