you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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