I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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