Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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