it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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