just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
