So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
