My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
