I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
