If that was your dad, he is hot
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
