please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
FUCK WHALES
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
