Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize