how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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