there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
