I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
