I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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