never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
