A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize