My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
