I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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