***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I lost the right to judge tonight
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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