I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
