So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
