Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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