Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
