Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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