just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
