well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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