I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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